Oh the places you will go-
I recently went out with quite a well known South African celebrity, a most interesting man, captivating actually. A great date discussing the weather and of course sex. That seemed to be his main focus. He eluded to a pledge of sheer satisfaction por moi. I declined but remained piqued and interested. The next time I spoke to him, he told me he had just been bust in a public park- having oral sex, on park bench, in broad daylight. Now, this man isn’t short of bux, why the hell would he find himself in this predicament- Hugh Grant jump to mind? After that, his appeal waned.
I then met a man, whose BIO was too interesting. Home in Joburg, holiday home at the seaside. Attorney, plays Bouille, wears Fedoras et al. He was also quite persistent to take me out. Now, I have a policy-coffee dates only. This time-I was invited to dinner and relented. How stupid! He arrived with his pouch of booze glued to his body and we planned to meet at his recommendation, in a florescent lit restaurant. We were the only ones there, unless you want to count the owners, so there was no escape.
Now, guys SERIOUSLY if you are going on a date, make a flipping effort! And above all, TAKE YOUR TEETH WITH YOU.
Yes, I did notice that there were none in your mouth, although you kept a strategically placed finger directly over your lips when you spoke?!
If nothing else, you both gave me fodder-
I was born for a time like this.
Sometimes the unrealistic feelings that you can develop for people that you have never ‘met’ is quite bizarre, but real. The level of intimacy and familiarity accumulates very quickly but then fizzles out very quickly too. The screen is a very ‘safe’ space to articulate your feelings and say whatever you want without consequence really. The lack of real understanding and intimacy often leads to misunderstanding. We take umbrage and move on; just like that. As one of the ladies that I spoke to recently said…she is left feeling bereft.
What a crazy, wonderful, unpredictable world we living in right? However, I have ‘met’ men that are not interested in meeting face to face at all. They are happy to um ‘chat’ and um ‘text’ and that is that. Well I guess that can be fun for a while, but surely the whole idea is that we develop and explore our dating muscle and the possibility of real relationships? Whatever form those may come in? Fantasy is well, just that.. fantasy. I get it; the fact that at times it’s just too much bother to get REAL and vulnerable. Too much risk, time, effort et al. The sometimes inane answering and asking of the ‘what do you do’ lines become nauseating!
Please don’t think for one minute that I’m feeling jaded. Not at all, dating has made me more discerning and am able to weed out the bullshit and it has galloped me into the dating scene of the now.
I continue to meet interesting men, some older, younger, Coloured, Indian, Black, Americans, Slovaks, Italian, and some men who invite you to holiday with them in Paris, others for the weekend in Durban, others who want you to watch Fellini movies with them, others who take you to the best restaurants, who are persistent and take a genuine interest. And then there are the rest who question the waiter in front of you as to how many men I had brought to that particular establishment, the ones who ask you to send naked photos of yourself after 3 lines into the chat> All of these men have something to offer and I leave the date/chat feeling empowered. I took the risk, I went on that date, I explored, I made myself vulnerable. I DID IT.
I was born for a time like this
Don’t you love that song by Tina Turner titled “What’s love got to do with it”? Well I do and since dating online have asked myself, “What’s age got to do with it”? I’ve been somewhat surprised at the interest shown on my profile from younger men. Initially, my age criteria was extremely conservative. That, I’m thrilled to say is all in the past. Once I started to feel less guilty, anxious and unconfident about being admired by a younger man, the whole dating world took on a new dimension. Let me interject here though, that AGE is but a NUMBER and the men that I have met who are younger, older or indeed the same age who have input into my life is what matters to me. It’s all about the meeting of the minds and the chemistry….regardless of age.
So on dating a younger man, there’s a natural inclination to assume that your body is too old and so you will need to make it look younger. That your dress style is too ‘old’ so you need to dress younger. That your taste in music must be contemporary. You start to imagine that your tech savvy is archaic and that your taste in actors, movies and theatre need to be current. And that your body; oh the thoughts of your body and your physicality! Eish! You imagine that people will stare when you are seen out with him and disapprove and judge. Yes, all these thoughts will and do cross your mind, but you need to ignore them as they want to take you so far off the track that you are completely intimidated and will assume a pose of hare in the headlight.
So what is it about a younger man and an older woman? And no, it’s not all about that! Could it be that there is a tenderness that is difficult to explain? Confidence is boosted and you remain receptive to learning from each other? There is mutual respect and admiration. And more often than not.. you have FUN! So in fact not so different to what I eluded to earlier if there is a meeting of the minds and you lose the baggage…It’s just a fabulous relationship.
What you will find is that some of your friends will disapprove and make snide comments referring to age and benefits. There will be others who are encouraging and happy you’ve taken the plunge and are comfortably envious. Some of the men I know are intimidated and some of them give me the thumbs up. Such is life. You are not here to please anyone but you.
So in ending, live this one life, don’t regret anything, don’t ruin other relationships and remember; You were born for a time like this.
2017 are you READY FOR ME?
Yes, that is truly how I feel. Energised, juiced up and more determined than ever. Some interesting facts about being an online dater is that life can change within minutes. You could be having a conversation with someone that you may have invested emotionally with and then…nothing, shutdown. I roll with it and acknowledge it for what it is. I do my best not to take it personally, you have to move on. Not always easy, but necessary. Unpredictability is the order of the day and you have to be ready for that. I’ve chatted to a man who after the first two sentences on a thread, wants to book a room and tells you that he wants a lover to ‘screw’ a few times a week with no strings attached and to have sex with you in 10 different ways; but who is then irritated with you because you want to meet him first ?? Also the man who before a coffee date asked what kind of condoms I would like him to bring; ribbed, strawberry, chocolate… ?…the list was exhaustive. And then you get the 38 year old young man who is interested in older women, especially the ones who are house pride, cook well, are neat and tidy and look after themselves; yeah..right. Then up pops the young man who is drop dead gorgeous and hovers over your profile saying that he wishes you the best of luck on the dating site, but just to let you know that he appreciates beauty regardless of age. He was 29. Confidence booster indeed.
One of the dating dilemmas is how we look for the occasion.. right? Well I’ve reaffirmed myself by looking and feeling the best I can according to affordability and creativity. No booze has helped personally although I miss the bubbly, but going for regular facials, dressing for the occasion, exercise, eating well, manicures and pedicures, hairdresser and massages all lend themselves for a general feeling of wellbeing. When it comes to dressing for the occasion, I vacillate between looking like a hippy to sophisticated then sassy or funky but regardless of the mood I have my own style. And that’s because I’m not inclined to shop at the average clothing shops. People who know me will find me rummaging in good second hand shops which sell clothes that tell a story. I’m fascinated with that. It’s also a fabulous way of recycling and supporting your local shops . The clothing begs for questions such as who had that dress before me? Did they buy it for a special occasion? How did they feel when they wore it? Was it bought for a date?
So between stories of dating and the men I meet I’ll be introducing the shops that I find my treasures in including the beauty sanctuaries and beauty products that add to my va va voom attitude. Jump on.
I was Born for a Time like this… oh yes!
So as you may have gathered, I have been on quite a few dates. Bar one or two, they’ve been enlightening and entertaining. ( I can’t spill all the beans here) :))
Although dating is thrilling it is also hard work. Meeting new people and trying to put yourself out there in a short period of time is hard, being yourself even for the most confident is hard, so how does one decide if the first date becomes a second?Do you get an authentic sense of the person in that short time? Do you decide after the first date to move on? Men think they are the only ones that decide with their eyes, but women do too. The word CHEMISTRY that is being bandied about is a biggie and what makes it? You can’t fake it. Being 57 and dating is quite different to being 27 and dating. Youth and brevity being on your side. ( and yes stupidity too ).
Another question is how does one ‘end’ a first date? Do you say ‘see you around’ ‘stay in touch’? Does one communicate after the date to the person? Do you ask how it was? Do you ignore the person and pretend the whole thing didn’t happen? If somebody insisted on paying for the meal do you contact them after the date to thank them? Do you offer to pay? I went on a date last week and when the bill was presented, the gent offered to pay the bill and asked if I would like to reciprocate by paying for the next one or would I prefer we split it. I was caught off guard and decided on the latter option unintentionally declining the second date.
Getting ready for a date is an opportune time for the demons to whisper the lies that plague us ( especially women me thinks) and when deciding on what to wear, my bedroom looks like a boudoir for the tainted. Confusion, panic and questions like: Am I too old, too fat, too short, crazy? Will he like me? Will I like him? Should I wear jeans or a dress, show cleavage, look sophisticated to casual, funky or sassy?
But here’s the thing; I remind myself that this is a journey and it is FUN. I have to remember that men are also insecure and vulnerable. I tell myself to make the MOST of this season that I find myself in. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t like me, others did. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t connect with him, others will. I am mindful that it is a brave and scintillating step I’m taking and I know there is someone out there who will breathe fire onto the embers that I have been storing.
Being so aware that I was born for a time like this …..
When you find yourself stuck behind the screen and the only dating you are doing is online, and you’re not utilising that juice that you’ve been accumulating to take offline into the real world, then the journey is a bit of a dead end.
The excitement and the fun that I am experiencing online, has started to manifest itself offline. The endorphins are kicking in and the response is welcome. The online vessel is fantastic but you need to get out there and develop the dating muscle. The safety behind the screen is limited. Let the magic begin.
It’s a strange, wonderful and crazy world out there and so are the men that go with it.
I have been out dating and chatting to men that downplayed their age by 10 years, although very interesting and wonderful. Another who is on a dating site but not ready to date but has given me juice and joy. Men who read your profile and their come-on line is, “if anybody gives you shit send me their details and I will deal with them”. ( and they mean it ) Other men who are sexy and thoughtful and offer to clean your pool and when deciding on a venue for your date want to make sure you don’t have a long night-drive back. Then you get the men, who want you to send a photo of yourself and offer no “investment” for the privilege. The men who don’t stop hounding you although you have politely turned them down and you are left with no choice but to tell them to @#$%^&*. The men who are on dating sites and show their intention by saying ‘Hi’ and very little else. The man who you’ve mistaken as a scammer who was seriously interested in you for a long term relationship and he lands up blocking you . The man who tells you he is going on a bosberaad for the weekend and you think it’s a town. This same man was so gorgeous that you had drafted a poem for your eyes only and landed up sending it to him by mistake. The man that you recognize from somewhere but confuse him with another and are so excited that he has shown interest that you send him a stupid GIF by mistake, an automatic robot waving at him. Then asking the same man if he was the one who fed you a marron glace when he hauled you into his shop, flirting. And being so embarrassed by the whole thing that you block him, alas. The men you are so excited to meet and are crushed with disappointment when they land up maligning all women including their exes. The men who are so nervous when they meet you that they can’t stop shaking and you do your best to make them feel relaxed. The men who,although you are wearing normal clothes, don’t look at your face when they chatting to you. The men who are married and admit it, the men who are married and don’t. The men who are scammers and promise the earth and the men who chat with you online yet know absolutely nothing about you, because they don’t ask or care. To all these men …. I was born for a time like this.
Superman ( is real )
Every girl needs a Superman at some point in their lives… no better time than when you start online dating for the first time in your 50’s, and a bit unsure of yourself.
Superman flew onto my screen and launched me ………..for the new chapter and era in my life’s journey.
And so to quill for you….Superman
I was a “virgin” when I met you and thank God I did when I did. An “innocent” to the possibilities of discovery. It had been so long since… well since everything to do with dating and everything else… I had succeeded in burying ME in a safe spot. A safe spot that was out of bounds and for my control only. LOCKED AND LOADED.
You helped me unravel as our chats became an elixir for me. A potion that would ignite a long forgotten fire. You kept me spellbound through your brilliant probing and the focus and interest that you showed me . The lengthy texts that you responded to whenever I sent one. You made me feel safe and gorgeous again. Your command of language and how you used it, the non- words, the nuances and the innuendos and OMG your humour that made me laugh until it hurt. I was under your spell. My playful and sometimes cheeky approach to online dating is because you released that in me. Thank you.
So why have I made special mention of one man? Although we are not in that zone any longer for reasons I won’t mention now but will allude to in future blogs, I took what I had with him and made it my tool box. I’m learning that people are here to sometimes move you to the next step, the next challenge, to help you become the person and type of woman you decide to be. The person that whilst you will be disappointed and at times disillusioned, the tools being given to you will move you on. The treasure trove of life and love and loss.
I have been on a few dates, am being pursued by all types , enjoying several chats with some interesting men and some not so interesting, reminding myself daily that this is a journey and I need to be mindful that I can’t be taking it too seriously. However it does take courage to go for what you want without letting all the insecure emotions of dating take over. Those emotions raise their heads and even feelings of loss occur but don’t forget the most important element of all…FUN. So enjoy and be bold…
And so begins the chapter of creating my nom du plume. I took the time to find the most suitable photo. Not too sexy, not too in your face, not too girl next door either. And then I needed to create my profile blurb, not too sexy, not too in your face and definitely not girl next door.
But as I started to develop the blurb I was challenged with important questions! Who do I want to attract? What do I want? Who is Semone today, right now? Do I want a long term relationship or do I want some fun? Do I want to flirt and steam behind the safety of my screen or do I want to develop my dating muscle face to face. My split personality made me change my blurb so many times. I became really flattered when quite a few men were visiting my profile but probably in hind sight came to view which personality reigned for that day, the sexy or the serious .:)
As I mentioned in the last post there is no way of predicting how and who was going to be the attraction of the day, the hour, the minute. I am discovering the fun in the unknown, the unpredictable and allowing myself to be led where the scintillation is taking me… well mostly anyway.
I can sense you are wondering about my safety? Was I anxious, nervous, and scared of being scammed? Well yes I was and I had been duped a few times. But then I started to observe language carefully. No conjugating of the verbs, using words like ‘’dear’’ questions like ‘ how was your night ‘’, sentences that flattered to the extreme and promises of commitment and of course TRUE LOVE.
As men started showing interest I soon discovered what ‘turned me on’ . Humour, intelligence, the ability to flirt without being vulgar and a man that had a way with words. OMG! Of course chemistry had to be there, but that presents itself in different ways and not always in the way you expect.
Having lived in Cape Town for most of my adult life, I was privileged to have grown up around wine farms with easy access to bubbly et al. Hitting my middle 50’s I felt that too much of a good thing wears thin. As a woman who takes care of the way she looks, the look of booze had potential to become my daily make up… slightly red nosed, gin blossomed and bleary eyed.
Enough, vanity reigned supreme.
And as every woman needs a vice, online dating became my vice of choice. So much more fun. Never imagined that I could feel so excited by the ping of a notification from my phone.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that this dating would take a trajectory of its own. Don’t assume anything when online dating. It has its own mind and heart. It’s neither predictable nor boring.
Hop on board for my take on life as it is right now.